She's got the smile of a sideshow clown

Busy being foolish...

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 01:02:57 GMT

Ha, fun times looking back on some old entries.
Gotta love how naive you can admit to being when you look back 2+ years back.
Well, I'm back in Florida. Still not sure how I'm feeling about this decision.
It's full of responsibilities and no one likes that.
I miss Seattle more than anything... well, mostly the people I spent my time with.
There was no drama. New ideas. New hobbies. New people...just loads of fun with my best friend.
Oh, and lots of exploring!
Taking the time off of school and those who I've been around since middle school era, made me also realize how important traveling is to my life.
It also (SIGH) made me make a "do-able" life plan for myself.
Ugh, growing up... I know.
But I guess someone's gotta do it.
On a different note: I've been through two horrid roommates. FINALLY got some amazing ones.
Beautiful house, new dog (who is the cutest little piggy ever), school is on track once again, and a great job who pays me way too much to enjoy my time there.
Boys are boys... and always will be. Yet, I have found myself enjoying a certain someone a little too much. From the sound of things, he's right there with me... if not more. So, we'll see what happens.
I guess I would have to admit shying away a little because it seems all to "fate"-ish. & for those who know me, know I've never dug the idea of fate.
BUT- oh,well. Open mind, open heart.
Hopefully, someone is here to prove me wrong.

Thanks for asking!

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 03:51:46 GMT

When our days are unplanned the best thing I can hope for is to lay with you until the night falls.
Waking up for some loving in between is of course needed.
But then we'll roll over and giggle about how lazy we have been.
We'll hold each other like there's no tomorrow and you're all that is today.
And sleep the day away.
ZZZ
ZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:26:52 GMT

In the end, it always seems to start from the beginning again.
From the moment you are born all of your time is spent learning who you are and wondering why you are here.
As soon as you think you've answered those questions something happens to make you second guess yourself.
And with all the time in the world you'd think we'd have the answers figured out by now... but again and again you start from the beginning.
And you die not knowing who you really are.
And why you were put here.

All we have is love to keep us occupied.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 20:39:52 GMT

Others may not understand us, but we understand one another.
That's all that matters.
I couldn't be happier.

Sun, 13 May 2007 19:36:46 GMT

i'll do this for you.
and who i am when i'm with you.

...just remind me that we'll always have each other.

Fri, 04 May 2007 19:42:44 GMT

maybe even when you're willing to admit you need help, others just aren't.
here we go with that bad timing trip, once again.

Thu, 03 May 2007 23:35:52 GMT

i don't expect anyone to understand who i am.
i've struggled with myself enough to realize it is hard enough at times to identify my once familiar face... even for myself.
i'm choking on words and i'm sorry for that.
i don't know what you want to hear and even worse, i don't know what i want to hear.
i've tried to be independant and it's done me okay so far.
but i don't want that anymore.
i want someone there for me.
as i aspire to be there for them.
it's been the hardest thing to do and it means more than anything for me.
i wish that certain people could understand how important they are to me.
and how much of a better person i am when i'm with them.
maybe i've lost myself, but i'm willing to be found.
i just hope that's worth something.
please god, let it be worth something.

i'm sorry i have feelings.
even worse, i'm not sorry they are for you.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 03:22:47 GMT

It's weird how gut feelings turn into reality
&
time doesn't seem to take so long anymore.

What the hell....

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 18:12:51 GMT

Starting this promotional company has taken everything I've known and flipped it upside down. My life has been ridiculous this past year.
I definitely don't regret anything, as through it all I have learned to appreciate a lot more things that I posses and I've also met some good people. Seeing people with the fake smiles on their face, makes me appreciate my real one 10 times over. Hearing myself bullshit entertainment companies and for them to believe it, makes me appreciate how smart I really am.
After all this I've finally realized what I want in life. I'm not a little girl anymore and I can finally say I'm ready to start being responsible. I know exactly what kind of love I want and need, and although it's so out of reach... I'll continue waiting for it. Time is only time. I've never felt so strongly about someone and something and friends have even told me I was crazy for living off of my instinct. What else is there, though? We're all animals, anyway. I've also tried to evaluate myself and make little things about me better. I've gotten rid my temper, simply by realizing that it was a problem. I've also done some other things that have helped out my lifestyle and put my mind at ease. All I'm waiting for is that boy. Despite all the drama we've been through, I've stayed strong to my word and I'm still waiting. No need to namedrop, he knows who he is....

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 03:29:35 GMT

Next is a trip to the ladies room in vain
I bet you just can't keep up with these fashionistas
Tonight, tonight, you are, you are the whispering campaign
To them, your name is "Cheap", and you look like shit
Talk to the mirror, choke back tears
And keep telling yourself that, "I'm a diva."

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 04:53:52 GMT

While half of my night was spent driving around the good old town of Apopka looking for cute Valentine's things, the remaining part of my night will be spent baking heart shaped cookies that look like round blobs for the people who mean the most to me for Valentine's Day. <3333

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 05:42:44 GMT

With time, humans forget who they are.
With time, language is wiped out and replaced.
With time, people die off and are forgotten.
With time, places are destroyed and rebuilt.
With time, technology is outdated and updated.
With time, morals are burned to the ground.
With time, history loses its credibility.
The only thing that remains in its entirety is that of a song.
A song is never changed or altered.
A song has to be kept in its original form or it doesn't work.
Let's sing some songs.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 05:15:04 GMT

Let me anoint the lust inside you.
Let me devalue what's inside you.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 17:03:51 GMT

I can't tell myself how to feel anymore. Everything is pure instinct, and I hate myself for that. I try and try to be a good person and in the end I do something that hurts everyone. Except myself. This would be great in a caveman world but I do care about others and how they are feeling. And that is why everything hurts so badly. I have never in my life not known how to feel and when I do feel something I have never questioned it to the extreme like I have been lately. All I know is what I want is completly out of reach. I want a perfect relationship. I want a prefect friendship. I want a perfect life. I want happiness. Endless amounts of it. Which is why my goals will continue to be out of reach for now. People keep telling me I'm being a dreamer and there is no such thing. BUt i think there is. I know there is. I can't settle for any less and I won't. I have to stick it out and wait. And wait. And wait. Until something changes and I can realize this is exactly what I've been searching for. Until then...

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 18:39:29 GMT

My parents on television:
Dad: "Judge Mathis sucks, why are you watching him?"
Mom: "I'm not watching him, you are."
Dad: "Couldn't be. I don't like him."
Mom: "Ed, you have the remote, I'm pretty sure you're watching this."
Dad: :picks up the remote: "Want me to change it?"
Mom: "No, it's okay. I kinda like him."

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 21:42:49 GMT

Life has been pretty confusing as of now.
This hurts because I like to think I make things simple.
And now I just can't do that so easily.
Decisions need to be made, and I'm not even ready to grow up.
The only good thing about all this is that I can still laugh at myself.
Little things help.
Just like Dogma being shown on Comedy Central right now.
And that I have a Nintendo DS with Animal Crossing.
Oh yeah, and it also helps that my first paycheck for a week was more than what I made at AMC in 3 weeks.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 15:53:16 GMT

So it's pretty early and there's nothing to do except play Animal Crossing.
Oh yeah, did I mention I'm addicted to that game? Yeah, I am.

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 05:31:54 GMT

Looking out the window, with her greased forehead pressed against the glass she repeats, "I've got to get out of here".
With walls marinated from the smell of beer from long Friday nights.
With floors hardly walked upon, due to the hatred to get out of bed.
With pillows formed to fit every possible move of her head.
Tossing and turning comes natural, as do the continuous nightmares of "what if?".
And as her greased foredhead lies upon the window, she notices more than butterflies.
More than the magnolia trees.
More than the white picket fence desperatly in need of a coat of paint.
More than the freshly cut grass.
More than anything, she notices several more grease marks from previous visits to the same window seal.
As the last "I've got to get out of here", escapes her chapped lips, she realizes the truth.
"I'm never getting away from here".
Her greased forehead leaves the window once again, and makes its way to the floral pillowcase.

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 02:47:40 GMT

I'm working on a project on dwarfism.
I've decided to name it "Reaching New Heights" for the irony of it.

joel's party last saturday

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:47:23 GMT

So Joel's party on Saturday was the craziest party I've ever been to.
One that Californians would say "wicked", because you know they are silly and say things like that.
I've never drank that much in my life.
Nor have I seen that many people in one place in my life.
Needless to say I was feeling pretty nice.
Tequila and apple martinis are my drinks of choice from now on.
On a side note, I have 2 papers (10 pgs each), a journal entry, and a speech due tomorrow, none of which have been started.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:48:51 GMT

So I'm watching NEXT on MTV, and they have to introduce themselves.
One guy said:
"This girl won't Next me because I like cookies after sex, hell, I like anything after sex."
Explain this.

Lovely.

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 00:23:02 GMT

Here's to a wonderful day.
My family is your normal family. Extremely busy. I see my dad at nighttime, my mom on weekends and early mornings, and my brother randomly simply because our schedules clash.
Thank God for new people at work, I got today off without even requesting it off. Everyone at my house was home so we had a nice classic family day. It was wonderful. We even bought weird camel and zebra statues from some crazy African man in a tunic. It was great.
Now I'm on one of those psycho clean freak rants. I've cleaned about a half of my room and it was getting so intense I had to take a break, so here I am.
At midnight when Joel gets off work I'm going to go over there and spend the night which makes today even better.
I love hurricanes because school is closed tomorrow and I had an exam! Yesssssssssss.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 03:25:05 GMT

20 facts about me:
1. I love talk shows and court TV
2. I have at least 10 pairs of shoes in my car at all times
3. I hate taking showers but I hate not taking them
4. I would marry Ellen Degeneres if I were gay
5. I think I'm going to die in a car accident
6. I think Target is 10 times cooler than Walmart
7. I love going to school because it makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life
8. My mom won't leave me alone until I'm a doctor
9. I don't enjoy sappy movies
10. I love little kids but I don't want to have any until I'm 45
11. My car smokes when you sit in one place for too long
12. I hold back on a lot of things I want to say
13. I bite my fingernails all the time
14. I cant stand ugly toes
15. When I'm nervous I hide my hands
16. I love gospel music
17. I grind my teeth when I'm mad or sleepy
18. I cant stand the sound of animals licking themselves
19. I never ever sleep in my bed
20. I can't grow hair under my arms

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 19:38:14 GMT

99% & 94% on my first 2 exams...
I got this.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 14:55:10 GMT

today is one of those gross days where i felt my lungs collapsing inside my chest. i don't feel like doing any homework and 1pm seems way too early to have school. all i keep thinking about is monday when i was falling asleep by class number 2 and i don't think i can take this 10 hour school day thing. this is day 3 of no work and its marvelous. i dont ever want to go back but i know i have to tomorrow.
and to top it off, it's a bad hair day.